Our children are a gift from God. They are the future of the nation, but what is more important the future of the church. God created a natural affection between parent and child. Parents love their children no matter what they do. True, children can and quite often do sadden their parents by behaving rebelliously, yet, parents still love their children. If they didn't it wouldn't hurt. Children, too, love their parents even when the parents abuse them. Their tremendous worth necessitates diligent effort on our part in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. It is an awesome task to try to instill in young children a sense of value, a love of God Almighty, and a love of man in general, especially when there is corruption and temptation at every hand.
It is with genuine pleasure that we watch our little ones develop and mature into productive citizens of this country and fruitful members of God's Church. Excitement is seen on the faces of parents when their precious gifts begin to talk and walk. Pride is felt when they make the decision to follow God by being baptized. We love them. We want good things for them. We want to protect them from harm. We feel their pain, their sadness, their frustrations and we also share in their happiness and excitement. They are important to us.
Therefore, our hearts are deeply troubled when we see our children lying, speaking rudely, refusing to follow orders, not respecting others' property, using foul language, and running away. When we find ourselves in this situation where our child has chosen to engage in these negative dangerous behaviors we usually experience a myriad of feelings.
Frustration becomes a constant companion. Bewilderment at what has caused this sweet little darling to behave deplorably. He/she has plenty of clothing, food to eat, parents who love her and yet he/she feels unwanted and unloved and rebellion becomes the norm rather than the exception. We want so much for them to feel loved. We want to help them get to the point where they want to do what is right. There aren't any exact methods to accomplish this. What works with one child isn't going to work with another. I do know that whatever is done, however the specific problems are handled, parents need to remain calm. Patience must be exercised. Consistent application of the rules gives the child a sense of security. It also creates in them the belief that you mean what you say. They can depend upon you to tell them the truth.
Fear grips every fiber of your being when they're out of your sight for very long at all because they are making such poor decisions that they could be hurt terribly, physically as well as emotionally. It is difficult not to get up each morning wondering what sort of problems they will cause today. There are so many wicked people in this world today who prey on our youth who are having difficulties. They target these young people and try to put them into a position where they have no choice but to get into drugs, prostitution, or white slavery just to support themselves. Then, there are the perverts who look for children to molest sexually and murder indiscriminately.
Anger and resentment surface frequently. When we give a command we expect to be obeyed. When our orders are not complied with, we become angry. God became angry with His people on a number of occasions. Many times He destroyed them because of their disobedient unbelief. We do not have that option nor do we want that option. However, eternal destruction is the ultimate result of disobedience. Therefore, we feel anger because we don't want our children to suffer eternally. We want them to do what is right. We tend to want to force them to do the right thing but that is of no value because the desire for righteousness has to come from the heart of each individual and I can't have and give that desire to my child. Resentment comes from having to make special arrangements with regard to every activity your child engages in because you can't trust him/her. You have to restrict or monitor closely the situations that your child gets into. It all requires time and patience and effort and sometimes money.
Hopelessness creeps in slowly but surely. You wonder if things are ever going to get better. You agonize over the seemingly constant disruptive rebellious behavior. It is sometimes overwhelming making us want to run away, retaliate with physical abuse or verbal abuse. Running away solves nothing, we can go to jail for physical abuse and words can be destructive. We must remember that our goal is to instill in our child a love of God and a love of man.
Embarrassment and shame are felt daily when children choose to yell at their parents and speak to them disrespectfully. They argue with their parents for the simple sake of argument. They seem to thrive on doing this in front of others to make the sting of it all just a little greater. These feelings are not only for ourselves but for our children. They are in such a state of rebellion that they don't even realize they need to be ashamed of themselves. We feel it for them. I am not saying that this is the way it ought to be. What I am saying is that this is the way it is for me and it may be the same for other parents.
These are just a few of the feelings experienced by parents whose children are rebellious. What can we do? How will we survive? What will happen?
The Word of God is the most powerful tool that we posses when faced with difficult situations. In James 1:2-5, the writer states:
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
Love, (defined as an attitude of mind that seeks the best interest of another even at the expense of self-sacrifice), of our children and a desire to do God's will help us to persevere in our times of difficulty. It provides us with the self-control needed to respond firmly yet calmly to our children's rebellion.
We must never underestimate the power of God's Word. It is the "power unto salvation." It has the power to change lives for all those who choose to abide in it. It is also a comfort to know that we are only responsible for our behavior. If, after doing everything we can possibly do, our child chooses to continue to violate God's laws, he/she will be held accountable for those violations not us. This doesn't negate the excruciating pain we feel when faced with these circumstances. But, it is comforting to know that I can be pleasing to God even if my children aren't.
In this day and age it is hard to be a parent and just as difficult to be a child. We must always consider the feelings and desires of our children and respect their rights as individuals. Children should respect and obey their parents because this is right. Pray always for understanding and wisdom to deal with these problems. As a parent, God understands the pain that we feel.
God understands how you feel. If you are frustrated, disappointed and hurting as a parent, God identifies with that. He lost His kids, and nobody would charge that He didn╒t raise them right. The Lord ╥nourished and brought up children,╙ but ╥they ... rebelled against╙ Him (Isa. 1:2).
Good parents can have trouble with their children. Sometimes, even after all the effort, instruction, influence, discipline, examples, lectures and prayers, our children make wrong decisions anyway. The Scriptures are filled with examples of good parents who had trouble with their children {1 Sam. 8:5}.
Our children, like us, are free moral agents. Our teenagers, for instance, are not robots we can program. We cannot get our hands on their ╥control centers╙ and create improvement against their will. God gave our children the same freedom He has given us; the freedom of choice, acceptance or rejection, along with the corresponding consequences {Rom. 6:16}.
Other influences are competing against us. This is reality. There are peer pressures, the adolescent desire for pleasure, TV, music, role models (good and bad), humanistic influences sometimes administered through the public schools, and many other influences. We can guide them, instruct them and show them, but they must decide to keep themselves ╥unspotted from the world,╙ (Jas. 1:27).
Learning to respect authority is still fundamental. This hasn╒t changed. Our sons and daughters absolutely must learn to respond to legitimate authority. If they do not, they will be ill-prepared to face the real world of obedience to God, instructions from employers, civil law, etc. (Eccl. 12:13,14; Rom. 13:1-5; Col. 3:23).
We cannot compromise our principles. ╥Just as God has never backed off and compromised His values, we should never back off and compromise ours. This faithfulness will keep our children in touch with where to return. We should never compromise ourselves into root rot. Our children desperately need wholesome roots to look back to. So long as our root system is healthy and strong, our kids have something to be tethered to while they explore wrong. If we develop root rot by compromising our own integrity, it severs their tethers.╙ (Eph. 6:4).
We must be fair and reasonable. We have a duty to ourselves, our children and the God we serve to be fair and reasonable. We must avoid, for example, the temptation to discipline our children out of an avenging, hostile spirit (Col. 3:21).
We are probably making some mistakes. A single mistake made by mother and father, or a dozen, never justifies misbehavior. Of course it can be argued that some children have a greater advantage than others. But there are no perfect parents that I know of. We are probably making some mistakes. What╒s important is, to admit our mistakes, try to do better and rely on the Lord more and more each day. (Phil. 3:13,14).
Don╒t be intimidated. Refuse to regard yourself as ╥just a parent,╙ far below the professional counselors, educators and ╥experts.╙ You are the primary instructor, caretaker and provider for your children. You know them best, and God put you in this position. (Psalms 127)
Carefully distinguish between immaturity and defiance. Don╒t make giant hassles out of the normal signs of immaturity, but be sure you always respond clearly to defiance of authority. (Prov. 19:18)
{Some of these points were suggested by the book Relief For Hurting Parents, by Buddy Scott; Nelson Publishers, Nashville.}
